emotion regulation system

Most people’s misunderstandings about emotional regulation are that “you must hold back from getting angry” and “you must maintain emotional stability at all times.” However, an emotion regulation system that is truly implementable and can be used for a long time is essentially a set of physiological + psychological linkage mechanisms that “catch first, then classify, and then process” - it does not require you to be the master of your emotions, as long as you do not be led by sudden emotions.

Last month, I met Xiao Xia, who works in operations at a corporate mindfulness camp. She had just finished working late at night for seven consecutive days during the 618 sales. Her boyfriend forgot to bring her the iced American style that he often buys downstairs. She cried on the spot in the corridor of the company. After crying, she slapped herself in the face. She felt that "this big shit is worth making trouble, and I am so useless." She has dozens of posts on her phone that say "Emotional stability is the top quality for adults" and "Three steps to control anger." The more she reads, the more she feels that she can't even manage her emotions well and is simply a loser.

It may be a little counter-intuitive to say it. Of all the people I have met who can regulate their emotions comfortably, none of them rely on "forbearance".

Nowadays, there are actually two groups in the academic world who are arguing fiercely about emotion regulation, and no one can convince the other. The core logic of the cognitive behavioral school (CBT) is that "emotions originate from cognition." If you have a breakdown because your boyfriend forgot to bring coffee, essentially you have tied this matter to irrational beliefs such as "he doesn't value me" and "I'm not worthy of being cared about." If you change your thoughts, your emotions will naturally go smoothly. But proponents of somatosensory therapy don’t recognize this theory at all. According to Peter Levine’s theory, emotions are first of all physiological reactions stored in the body. If you stay up late for 7 days in a row, your cortisol level will soar to 3 times the normal value. Don’t forget to bring coffee. Even if the tree downstairs grows crookedly, you will find it unpleasant. At this time, you are telling yourself “It’s not that he doesn’t love me.” This is purely a lie.

I also tried the CBT method in the past two years. When I was under so much pressure to catch up on a project that I lost my hair, I mentally restructured myself: "This pressure is the only way to grow" and "I can't be so fragile." As a result, I endured it for half a month. I had insomnia and went to see a Chinese medicine doctor. The doctor pinched the back of my neck, which was as hard as a stone slab, and said to me: "You have treated your emotions as the enemy. Where can it not be blocked in your neck?" ”

Later, I gradually understood that the so-called "catch the emotion" does not require you to do any advanced operations at all. As long as you can detect its existence in the first place, don't criticize yourself. For example, when you are about to get angry, just feel "Oh, my temples are pounding now and my chest is a little tight." That's enough. You don't have to scold yourself, "Why are you so emotional again? It's so immature." Just think of your emotions as the delivery boy who knocks on your door. Just say "I understand" and you don't have to come up to scold him. The more you scold him, the more he will bang on the door.

Once you catch the emotion first, just spend 10 seconds classifying it into categories. There is no need to memorize dozens of emotion classification lists, just categorize them into two categories: one is "things happen for a reason" and the other is "a false alarm." In the former case, for example, if you are criticized by your boss because there is a big flaw in the project you are working on, then this feeling of anger or grievance is here to report to you, reminding you to fix the hole quickly, don't dwell on the emotion itself, and just solve the problem first. The latter is even simpler. For example, your aunt is annoyed by everything she reads before her period, or she stays up for three days in a row and feels noisy when watching her colleagues typing on the keyboard. That is essentially your body telling you to take a rest. It is not that the person in front of you really has a problem. Don't take it out on others. Go drink a glass of warm water and sit for 5 minutes. It's better than anything else. I have a friend who works in product development. Now, every time before discussing requirements with developers, he touches his temples. If he jumps too much, he goes downstairs to buy a bottle of iced Coke and stands there for two minutes, then comes back to talk. This has reduced at least 80% of useless arguments.

As for how to deal with it in the end, there is really no standard answer. Don’t believe in the “universal adjustment methods” on the Internet. Only what suits you is useful. I have seen people write a 2,000-word emotional diary when they are not in a good mood. ； Some people also like to go to the gym and pump iron for an hour. After sweating all over, all the energy will disappear. ； There is also my junior sister who works in operations. Every time she is wronged, she will talk to her best friend and scold her for half an hour. After the scolding, she hangs up the phone and does whatever she needs to do. There is no internal friction at all. I previously saw an emotion research report from Stanford University in 2022, which said that people who deliberately suppress their emotions have a 37% higher incidence of cardiovascular disease than people who vent their emotions reasonably. You see, as long as the channel you find is safe and does not harm others, you can do whatever is comfortable for you. There is no need to force yourself to be an "emotionally stable adult."

To be honest, I still can't stop losing my temper. Last week, I stood downstairs chatting with the rider for five minutes because my takeout delivery was half an hour late. Then I turned around and spilled half a cup of the iced milk tea I just bought. I squatted on the roadside and had fun for a long time without feeling angry.

There is no perfect emotional regulation system. To put it bluntly, you are familiar with your own emotions and know when it is really reporting a message and when it is a tantrum. Just go with it and don't have to confront it. After all, what we want in this life is not to never have bad emotions, but that when bad emotions come, it is enough for you to know that you can catch them.